Kate's list of problems.

• Zoned DVD's. I just want to watch The Hollow Crown but it's only available as a UK zoned DVD, and there's no blu-ray (same codes for UK and NZ). And all I want to do is watch it and love it forever but I can't because zoned DVD's
• My lack of a time machine. If I had a time machine, I would go to London in 1971, and watch Ian McKellen and Judi Dench in as many RSC performances as I possibly could, and then I could die happy.
• The fact that I will never be able to act. I can't act anyway, let alone as well as  Ian McKellen  Judi Dench  anyone, and it makes me kind of sad and pissed off because wouldn't it be awesome to do that sort of thing for a living, and make people cry and smile and laugh and be praised for it because I'm a huge attention seeker who wants to be told she's doing stuff well I know that, believe me  and I know that will never happen, but, just but, wouldn't that be amazing.
• My sleeping pattern. Kind of off-topic, but honestly. Sleep at 5, wake up at 10, stay up till 5, repeat. I am going to be so screwed when I go back to school. 4 hours sleep and level 3 NCEA at 15 here I come. But then, think about it. If I was sleeping at 10, I wouldn't have been able to finish Henry IV part 1 or start part 2, or finish Macbeth or that Stephen Fry documentary. 5 extra hours is a long time and I'd still be waking up at 11 anyway so point of sleeping at 10 is? And I function the best on 5 hours sleep and coffee anyway. I can manage on 4, but less than 4 and my head starts hurting and I end up drinking too much coffee and crashing oops, so stick with 5 a night Kate.
• So many books, so little time. I wanted to read Catcher in the Rye tonight, or maybe Rites of Passage or 1984, but there wasn't enough time because I was watching Macbeth. I've already read Catcher in the Rye, not Rites of Passage. But I felt in a CitR mood. 

So goes my list of problems.

I also want

The next Stephen Fry autobiography. I mean, I know it needs to be the right time to talk about personal experiences and everything, I get that. The way he writes though, how he uses language and talks and communicates is simply astounding. Which is probably why sleep came 2nd last night until 5am and I read Moab is my Washpot and The Fry Chronicles. And I absolutely loved them and the use of language and the empathy in the words and all that and perfect writing is perfect.
Anyway.

I want.

A new episode of Dr Who and a new episode of Sherlock and I want them now.

Merry Christmas

I ended up going to the midnight mass at the cathedral near my house. And it was lovely, the carols and everything was beautiful. And I'm going to sleep now. So Merry Christmas to everyone, even though it doesn't feel like Christmas at all.

Being here.

This town is giving my mixed emotions. Some days it's the most beautiful place in existence and I can stand to be here and go outside and look around and go swimming and enjoy it here. But otherwise, I get so frustrated here. I don't want to be here. I want to be in Aberdeen, or Glasgow or Inverness just back in Scotland. Which is silly. Because I hardly remember being there but I just want to go back so badly and not rot in this hole of a town.

I want my life to go somewhere, and I'm bloody scared of my life not going anywhere I think that's my biggest fear that I'll just become obsolete. Which will happen because on a planet of billions what have I got to contribute. My life is completely meaningless as of this point in time. And it's not a sad fact but it's just a statement of fact.

Wait what

So I decide to watch X-Men and it turns into 3am oopsies. But anyway, over Christmas I'm watching all the X-Men movies, because I'm bored as anything and I've already seen First Class (which is an absolutely brilliant film by the way) so I figured I should watch the others. I think I am going on a movie watching spree this holidays, starting with X-Men and Macbeth (which I am getting for Christmas so in 3 days I get to see utter perfection aka Sir Ian McKellen and Dame Judi Dench on one screen) and once I get back, I shall try and watch one movie a day (or night in this case).

Anyway. To bed.
Exit pursued by a bear

I want juice.

So I've wanted to go and get juice for about an hour now. And I still want juice. But finding the motivation to get off my ass and go and get juice is hard. But I will get juice now.

Rant time.

Okay, dude.
I do not give one flying fuck how you got hold of the album 3 weeks early. I do not care in the slightest, I am not jealous, whatever. I can wait. I am not in a hurry to hear this music, I will hear it in due course. I am not even a massive fan of this band.

But what I do care about is the fact that you are threatening said band by saying you'll release the album.
That's not cool dude.
Not cool at all.
Leaking the album 3 weeks early is a horrible thing to threaten to do. I don't care if you don't like the band, and you think they're talentless/ripping off so and so/useless/whatever, no matter if you're a fan of the band or not, it's still not cool. The fact that you think that threatening these guys (who have millions of dollars to spend on lawyers) is going to get you anywhere shows how much of an ignorant douchebag you are. Then you turn around, after saying "I hate your band, I have your album, I'll leak it" you then go "well that's no way to treat a fan, you never acknowledge me at shows or anything, you guys don't appreciate me", just, NO. You thinking that they owe you something for NOT leaking their album is a complete load of bullshit. Get over yourself, get a hobby, stop spending your days threatening people and talking crap online. Read stuff. Go outside. Go for a run. Walk your dog. Play WoW. Play cards. Play strip poker. Whatever.

Ahem.

The world is ugly, but you're beautiful to me.

Time to do what I do best: rant about bands.

So, we first heard a live demo version of The World Is Ugly back in 2009. Probably written (99% sure it was written) right after TBPID in October/November 2008. And when we first heard it, it was a slow, melancholy (albeit absolutely beautiful) song. But it was spiteful, and hateful, and well, it always made me sad. It made me absolutely, horribly sad to listen to because the rawness and emotion in Gerard's voice hurt. And it wasn't nice. As a result, I never really listened to the song as much, because I couldn't bring myself to. Never the less, when it was announced that it would be on the 3rd installment of Conventional Weapons, I was interested (because unlike, say, Stay, the demo version was on hand held cam from an audience member at a concert, unlike Stay which was a demo, but still professionally recorded). It was a chance to see what they'd done with the song, from 2008 touring TBP to the recording studio in late 2009.

So, as expected, I have been anxiously waiting to hear the studio version of the song. And I heard it yesterday. And wow. It has completely and utterly changed. The lyrics and melody of the chorus are exactly the same "The world is ugly, but you're beautiful to me", but WOW has the meaning changed. It's changed from something spiteful and throwing it back in the face of who Gerard is singing to, to being something that isn't intended to hurt. It's meant to say "you're beautiful to me and this is what makes everything else in the world worth it", where as the original was more talking about "you're beautiful to me but even you don't make this world worth it".  And why in hells name would I want to listen to anything that told me that the last beauty in a shit world had left? And although it still sounds like a song where they're leaving each other, it doesn't sound like an end, y'know? It sounds like a parting, not an ending. I don't know. Sort of a "You're still beautiful, you still light up this world, even if the world isn't mine anymore"

I don't know.

Habits.

People say it takes 21 days to form a habit, right?
So why can't I bloody stick to trying to form a habit for even one bloody week? Honestly. It's piss annoying, but I cannot change a bloody thing that I want to change.

Perfect people

• Benedict Cumberbatch
• Gerard Way
• Tom Hiddleston
• Sir Ian McKellen
• Martin Freeman
• Frank Iero
• Ray Toro
• Billie Joe Armstrong
• Mike Dirnt
• Bob Bryar
• Tre Cool
• Andrew Rannells
• Brendon Urie
• Stephen Fry
• Ricky Gervais

My boredom days.

So far today, since I have absolutely nothing to do, I have....

• bleached the deck
• texted 15 people
• tried to fix a pair of shorts because even though they have so many bloody holes in them I still love them
• looked up multiple recipes for Gazpacho soup
• tried 5 times to spell "recipes" right and then resorted to google
• read an act of Henry IV part 1
• complained about tumblr being down on the one damn day that I'm actually at home jesus christ
• listened to ¡Tre! 5 times because the album is brilliant. Honestly, go buy it if you can. It's completely and utterly worth it
• thought about going for a run and then decided not to because I am a lazy ass
• decided to make gazpacho soup when the strange lady gets out of our kitchen
• been extremely jealous of everyone who is not in New Plymouth right now.

And that is my day.

Oh how wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying

25 hours.

In just over a day, I shall be sitting in a cinema waiting for The Hobbit to start playing. And me and my friends will be some of the first people in the world to watch the movie, and it will be spectacular.

And it was while watching the final Lord of the Rings movie, Return of the King, that I had a revelation. And that revelation probably wasn't that spectacular or amazing or anything like that. But it just hit me in the face like WOAH. Sir Ian McKellen is an absolutely stunning actor. And he's spent the past 50 years of his life doing exactly what he wants to and what makes him happy. It's absolutely perfect and he is an amazing human being and I am so honoured to have met him (when he was in NZ filming The Hobbit he did a stage show, I met him there).

And I want to do that. What I want to do and on my terms because it makes me happy. I want to act, I want to sing, I want learn things and travel and do all these amazing things and it makes me sad because I don't think I'll ever be able to do that, no matter how hard I try. I need to study hard, get good grades, go to university and do a degree that will get me a job that will let me survive in my life. And that's what I'm going to do with my life, and it's better if I don't waste my time thinking on stuff that won't happen. Although I'd love it to happen, and I'm willing to work as hard as I can to make it happen, it's not worth it, because I don't want to fail. I'm shit scared of fucking up. I don't want to screw up my life, and if I choose to do something like performing arts it means I have a chance to fail, and then I have nothing to fall back on. And that scares me enough to not want to do it.

Tattoos.

I want one. And I want one that says "Oh how wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying". But I want it to be for me. I think. My tattoo. And I don't want to have to explain it to every person that I meet. And I think this will be one of my tattoos that I'm not really going to explain to people, and if I explain it to you, feel special. Because that one line means so many different things to different people.

Try and attempt

I'm attempting to write something and I forgot the tiny detail that I can't actually write.

I think.

The most productive day of the holidays was today. Well, it felt like it anyway. Which was funny because mostly what I did was sit in front of the computer and customize stuff, like tumblr and facebook and online things like that. And I talked to a few people and made friends and it was quite fun. And now I'm going out for coffee after the Hobbit. Well, a few hours after. We're all going, all of the ones that were working on the play together. It'll be good, hopefully. So today's been looking up, which is nice. And I'm going to a mates place tomorrow to watch the last LOTR extended edition movie, which will take 4 and a half hours But I don't mind.

So the rest of my week is planned out. Monday (tomorrow): watch Return of the King. Tuesday: sleep, have dinner, go to the Hobbit at 9pmish. Wednesday: See the Hobbit at 12.01am. Have coffee at 11am. Thursday: Swimming at the beach. Friday: I don't know. So that's a lie. I don't have my week sorted... it's weird not being at school. I have no sense of what day it is, and everything just flows into one continuous day. It's rather abnormal and it feels weird and I've been thinking it's Monday for the past 2 days.

You know what? My writing style makes absolutely no sense, and it goes from one topic to the next topic and makes no sense at all and why would anyone want to follow whatever I'm trying to say. Oopsies.

As usual

My last post had nothing to do with the title.

What I meant to write:

I have playlists for certain situations. I'm making a playlist right now for when I don't sleep tonight and I go get up early tomorrow morning and walk places. I have another playlist for when it's dark and I need to listen to something because I can't do silence. Playlists for running, playlists for going to school when I don't want to, playlists for going to drama because I do and I want to feel good about myself walking into that damn place instead of feeling like a, I don't know. A playlist of Serj Tankian's voice for when I want to go to sleep, a playlist of other songs for when I want to go to sleep. A playlist of classical music (mainly Chopin's nocturnes). A playlist of musical theater. All that stuff.

Music and playlists

Tonight, I don't think I'm going to sleep. I think I'm going to stay up until 4.30am and then go outside and onto the walkway and sit on the grass and stare at the sea and listen to calming songs and then I'll go home and go to sleep. And then I'll feel better about myself and life and my family and then I'll be happy and I'll be able to sleep properly instead of this shitty sleep that I'm having at the moment where I'll wake up in the middle of the bloody night and sit there and hate myself.

Anyway.
I watched Lord of The Rings today. 1 and 2. We're watching 3 on Monday at my mate's place. And it's the extended editions which are good.

Some relief...

But the idea of catching up with those said 2 people before I go away makes me rather happy. Which is nice. We have good discussions about, well, anything. American/New Zealand politics, the education system, TV shows, movies, music, socks, the usual.

And life moves on.

What to do. 2 of my friends from my drama class are moving to the same city 5 hours away from here. Which is sad, because those were the two that I always have the best discussions with. And although I knew this was going to happen (one is off to university and one just got a job there) I am somewhat annoyed. Not at them though. At myself. Because I am still stuck in this tiny little close-minded town, where it is impossible to have a decent discussion with anyone about anything. And I still have 2 more years here, with the stupidest and most ignorant people on the face of the planet. And I feel stupid and ignorant around them, and I have nothing to learn in this city. And I hate not learning stuff.

Hmm

You know when you find someone annoying and frustrating but when they go to leave you miss them? I think that'll happen. Coaches (for me) always have a major influence in my life, and when they go, no matter how much I (possibly) disagree with their coaching, I respect them, and it's always kinda sad.

UPDATE

As of now I have OFFICIALLY FOUND THE SIR IAN MCKELLEN AND DAME JUDI DENCH VERSION I can die happy now.

Another project

I suddenly have the urge to learn Japanese at 11pm. So. I am currently downloading beginner Japanese podcasts and am going to attempt to learn basic phrases and stuff like that. You can see how long my attention span lasts. I'm still currently reading Shakespeare, and I want to continue to do that. But I will just learn basic Japanese at the same time. I think I'll ask Suzu to help me when we go back to school.

So. My holiday list:

• Read all 10 histories
• Learn basic Japanese
•  Watch a whole tone of movies that I've never got around to watching
• Try and watch as many Shakespeare movies as I can.
• Try and watch as many movies with Sir Ian McKellen in them as I can (hopefully those last two will merge. I have hope that there will be SOMETHING he's done recently)

On a slightly related note I have had the saddest realization of my life. That realization was that I am NEVER going to see Sir Ian McKellen and Judi Dench as Macbeth and Lady Macbeth. Those two would have been brilliant and I am so incredibly sad that I will never see them. I am currently searching all over the internet for a version that I can watch. Continue list.

• Write letters to people. 1 letter a week to each person (I think I'll ask on twitter who wants a letter).
• Write a blog every day.

I think that's everything. Sleep now.

I don't like...

Performing in public. Singing. Busking. That sort of thing. I don't like doing it, it bugs me, it makes me feel stupid and I don't like it. I mean, I don't mind in a musical or something. I don't mind being on stage, that stuff's fine. I just don't like busking and stuff for money. I hate it. And my parents keep nagging me to busk instead of getting a job. I want a damn job. Not to busk. I don't like doing it. Ugh.

Sonnet 35

No more be grieved at that which thou hast done:

Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud,
Clouds and eclipses stain both moon and sun,
And loathsome canker lives in sweetest bud.
All men make faults, and even I in this,
Authorizing thy trespass with compare,
Myself corrupting, salving thy amiss,
Excusing thy sins more than thy sins are;
For to thy sensual fault I bring in sense --
Thy adverse party is thy advocate --
And 'gainst myself a lawful plea commence.
Such civil war is in my love and hate
That I an accessary needs must be
To that sweet thief which sourly robs from me. 

- William Shakespeare 

Just wanted to put this on here. I love this sonnet, I think it's beautiful, and even though I can't relate it directly to my life yet, it will probably (unfortunately) be relevant someday, and there are far too many people who it is already relevant to.

I haven't gone to sleep, therefore it is not tomorrow yet.

As another "I'm piss bored over the holidays so let's do stuff" project, I've decided to read all 10 of Shakespeare's histories (I have 9 weeks, so one a week, and I'll just read one the week I start back at school). So I started today with Richard II, and I absolutely adore it. Even if Richard is a prick. A complete and utter prick who seems to have the maturity and wisdom of a 10 year old but anyway. Love the play. Read it. Do it. I URGE YOU. I think I'm reading all of them in chronological order. Even if Richard ll was written almost last (think Star Wars ((amazing analogy given by the guy who runs the ChopBard podcast)) Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 were made before 1, 2, and 3)

I've also got a list of a whole ton of movies to watch and books to read over the holidays. Breakfast Club, Corpse Bride, American Psycho, all movies that I hear a ton about and never get around to seeing because I am lazy as hell. So, a movie a week, a Shakespeare play a week, and that is pretty much my summer sorted.... Hopefully I'll have The Hollow Crown (recent BBC versions of Richard ll, Henry lV part 1 and 2, and Henry V before I go away in January).

Speaking of going away in January, I think I'll take my laptop and write my blog posts every day, then just post them when I get back. That should work. Listen to music, take photos, enjoy life, blog about it, that sort of thing. We're going around the South Island of New Zealand (which for those of you who don't know, is a large area with not a large amount of people... mainly sheep and mountains). Which will mean going on horrendously long walks, and missing internet access. Fun fun fun. Oh well. I get to go to the Red Hot Chilli Peppers in Auckland so that's good. Lots of photos will come from that gig.

Anyway. I think there's time for a last Richard ll podcast before I sleep.

Just a note.

I have one compliment that I got on facebook from a girl that I remember. This was in 2010. But I still remember it and what it said. And I don't know if that's normal or not but it's just something that one person said to me once and it made me happy.

So thank you Sarah, even if you probably don't remember posting the comment.

Nocturnal Musers Society post 1.

Hi.

So, since exams are finished, I made myself a task to write a blog every day of the holidays. So I'm starting with this. I don't think these posts will have much relevance to anything, it'll just be what I think or feel or whatever on a particular day. In the words of Dr. John H. Watson, "Nothing happens to me".

This idea was started by a memory of when I started drama in 2009 I think. I don't know why that particular memory of me not being able to fall backwards off a table made me want to write a blog, but whatever.  I couldn't fall back off a table and I ended up crying in a corner because I couldn't/wouldn't fall off a table onto a mat, or fall backwards to let people catch me (those sort of trust exercises).... come to think of it, I don't think we've done any of those at drama since. So yes. Not wanting to fall off a table made me want to write a blog. Figure that one out psychiatrists. I think I'm having a drama memories night since tonight I went back to the room where I started drama 4 years ago. I haven't been up there in 2ish weeks, because lessons finished then (which I am bitterly disappointed about, I have to wait 2 months for more lessons, selfish me).

Anyway. I'm Kate. I like bands, music, band members, football and football players, musical theatre, takarazuka, Shakespeare, currently in an obsession with Richard the 2nd (the play) and Catcher in the Rye. Which is an amazingly relevant book and needs to be given to teenagers to read in highschool because that book was what single handedly got me reading books. Well, good books. Until then I read those crappy teenage drama books, and then I just stopped reading all together. Oops.

Anyway.